


The Distance Between Us

by 4quarius



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coma, F/F, Forgiveness, Realization, Reconciliation, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-24 20:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7522498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4quarius/pseuds/4quarius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the brutal events of the HiME Carnival, Natsuki is still trying to come to terms with Shizuru's betrayal of trust. Will another unexpected tragic event mend the wounds of the past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reminiscence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JuuhachiGo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuuhachiGo/gifts).



> I wrote this story in 2007 and originally posted it on another fan fiction site (that I will not mention here). I rewrote some parts to smooth over some bumpy sentences and will split it into more chapters than just two, but the core of the story remains the same. It is my first and only story about Natsuki and Shizuru and is set after the events of the series.
> 
> As you will see, the story is from Natsuki's point of view and presents her thoughts, feelings and impressions. It turned out to be kind of depressing at the beginning and over-dramatic in between, but I promise it will have a happy ending.
> 
> Correction of the numerous spelling and grammar mistakes I certainly made and feedback/constructive criticism are welcome. English is not my first language, so please bear with me. :) Fortunately, NSKruger did find some time to beta read it (thank you very much). Thanks to her you won't have to read a story massacred by my stupid grammar mistakes. At least the parts that I didn't rewrite.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Sad disclaimer: I do not own Mai HiME and its characters

_'Why do we have to do this today? I mean, compared to_ unhealthy _mayo ice cream, hot tea in this heat is lethal…Mataku…I should stop giving in every time.'_

The weather was burning hot and sticky that day.

I looked up at the clear, blue sky and couldn't bear to stare at the blindingly bright sun for more than three seconds. My clothes were soaked with sweat and stuck to my body like glue. It was disgusting. Nevertheless, I found myself walking down a totally overcrowded street, fighting through a huge mass of people. It was obvious that they were struggling in the hot weather just as I was, but they didn't seem to be as annoyed. Quite the contrary, most of them seemed even happy and content. I wondered how they did that. My head ached and pounded terribly and the loud street noises of passing cars and laughing, happy people made it even worse. Nevertheless, I was forced to follow the slow crowd of shopping people for a long, long time, sweating and grumbling and feeling like a very pissed off ice bear in the Sahara. And why? All because of this damn woman.

_'Beauty knows no pain. So doesn't her preference for tea. Just look at her. All perfect and pleased with herself.'_

Casting another short glance at the blazing sun made me nearly blind for the next few minutes, and I almost ran into one of those freaky shopping idiots in front of me, when I suddenly felt delicate fingers wrap around my wrist. Carefully but determined, I was pulled back just in time before I would crash into that stupid girl shouting into her damn phone like a complete retard.

I sighed. Not because I was saved at the right time. Not because I was stopped from getting into a cat fight with that stuck-up bitch and from blowing off steam in my bad mood. No, it was because of the way she pulled me back.

In former times, in our happy times, I would have felt two arms wrap around my waist, gently pulling me into a tight embrace. And soon, a hot breath of air would have tickled my ear. I would have heard a familiar melodic voice whispering some indecent jokes in distinctive kyōto-ben into my ear to make me blush madly. And of course, seemingly outraged, I would have yelled out her name and pretended to be angry at her, when in fact being happy and feeling safe and content in her embrace.

It would have been…but it wasn't. Our happy times were over. And there was no embrace I could flee to. The only thing I felt was an aching coldness, a strange emptiness where the warm and gentle touch of her smooth hand should have been… and where it actually belonged.

"Natsuki should be more careful in this rushing crowd."

No hot breath tickled my ear, there were no indecent jokes my ears could hear, no playful giggling... just a friendly but distant comment on my clumsiness on this dreadfully hot day. I couldn't help but feel... disappointed.

Instead of seeking certain intimacy like touching and tickling and hugging me or even kissing my cheek, she avoided intimate body contact and touched me only when it was necessary, like in this moment some seconds ago. I knew why and I hated it. I despised it.

I turned around to face the person to which this familiar voice belonged to and my weary eyes glanced at crimson ones, empty and glazed, but so deep and absorbing that I soon lost myself in them completely. I forgot time and space, the street and the people around us. Those were the only door to her well-hidden heart and her soul, and yet I wasn't able to understand what she thought or felt whenever I looked in those eyes. I had always been unable to read her mind, whether she masked it through faked smiles or not.

And this time wasn't different. Again she bottled up her feelings.

Her full, sensual and strawberry red lips were curved into her standard smile. I swear, she smiled like that even when she was sleeping. Her soft hands lay calmly one above the other and didn't sweat like mine did. Her perfectly styled chestnut hair shone in the sunlight like that of hair models in TV advertisements and was dry as if she had a ventilator integrated in her scalp, whereas mine was sweat soaked near the temples and neck.

She was perfect, unquestionably. Just as perfect was her ability to hide all of the thoughts and emotions she didn't want to reveal or anybody to notice and know.

Not even me… Yeah, not even me.

"Ara, ara, is something wrong or why does Natsuki not move?", she asked me after a short time with that stupid standard smile across her beautiful face, while we were standing in the middle of that street in the middle of that crowd, looking at each other in a totally different way.

Her expression was the same as ever. It was this perfectly trained mask like that of a porcelain doll that kept on smiling and looking kind all the time.

Mine however was… empty.

Empty as my mind, empty as all of these useless thoughts buzzing in my head back and forth. But my heart was full of regret, full of the suppressed anger and fear I wanted to shout right into her obviously faked cheerful face that made me sick every time I saw it. 

But somehow I couldn't. I just couldn't tell her what had upset me for weeks now and what hurt me every time we saw each other. I just... didn't want the weight she kept on putting on her frail shoulders in self-punishment to be even heavier if she misunderstood me. I didn't want her to suffer anymore. She had suffered enough because of me. I couldn't stand it anymore to see her in pain because of my naivety and ignorance and egoism.

I just wanted her to be happy. And I wanted her to finally smile a real smile, not that fake one she was showing me now. But making her happy was only possible in one way: to love her in the same way she loved me.

And I didn't know if I would ever be able to do that.

And she didn't either. That was why she was so afraid of touching me. Of being close to me. She was afraid of my reaction if she started to treat me as intimately as in former times. As in our happy times... Before the HiME Carnival. Before her obsessive, unrequited love for me had driven her mad. Before her betrayal and abuse of my trust… and… and my body.

When I had found out, when I had rejected her in my disgust and my fear, her mind had gone totally blank. Her heart had been as empty and cold as mine after the death of my mother. Only the desire to take revenge and to destroy whatever had stood between us had kept her alive.

By forgiving her I had saved her as she had saved me in the flower field the day we had first met. But I hadn't been able to erase her fear of being rejected by me again. This fear was a monster. A hungry parasite that tortured and fed upon her. That stood between us like an insuperable wall and made us both suffer under its claws.

The only thing I could think about was this: I should make the first step. Approach her. Assure her that I have no problem with her getting near me.

But I... I just couldn't.

I was insecure after what had happened between the two of us. I failed at figuring out my feelings for her. One day I was sure that I loved her, the other day I wished I would never see her face again.

_"Kanin na…kanin na, Natsuki. I'm…"_

_"It's all right now, Shizuru…it's all right."_

Those words hadn't been a lie. I didn't regret them. I didn't question them.

I had forgiven her for what she had done to me. But I have never forgotten it.

That was why I couldn't make the first step. I was trying so hard to rebuild our shattered relationship. I was trying to give our broken friendship a new chance because I loved her. Maybe not the way she wished, but I really did. She was my most important person. I cared about her. I needed her. I truly loved her like I hadn't loved anybody before – and that is no foolish, cliché-ridden sentence taken out from a totally exaggerated love story, but the very truth. It is the truth. It really is…

However, what happened during the HiME Carnival still haunted me in my dreams, in my fantasy. I couldn't remember what she had done to me, but everytime I went to sleep I dreamt about it. And that made everything worse. My imagination fed upon my fear and spun one nightmare after the other, one darker and more terrifying than the other. They made Shizuru a monster. A monster I was too afraid to get near to, although I wanted to.

I felt like a schizophrenic.

"Natsuki? Are you alright?"

Her crimson eyes met mine, concerned and caring, and for a second I forgot the thoughts that were haunting me. From the corner of my eye, I saw her trembling hand moving instinctively towards my face, but again she pulled back and put her hand back onto the other.

I saw the pain flaring up in her eyes for just a second, then she hid it behind emptiness again.

"Natsuki is looking pale and tired. Shall we take a rest in the café over the way and cool down a little bit? I don't want you to be sun-struck."

She tilted her head to the side, the chestnut tresses of her silky hair moving smoothly in this graceful movement, and her lips curved into smile number 23, the 'everything will be fine if you do what I recommend'-smile I had already seen too often.

Yes, I knew every one of her smiles.

Our gazes locked. I nodded weakly in the end, whishing she would put her arm around my shoulders, pressing me as closely as possible to her, so that her warmth and her pleasant fragrance would calm me down. She didn't. Instead, her thin fingers made only short contact with my back and pushed me slightly towards the roadside before they let go of me after I had made the first step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vocabulary explanation:  
> mataku: phrase used to express one's annoyance or frustration (usually muttered), like "Jeez!"  
> kyōto-ben: Kyoto dialect  
> "Ara, ara!": "Oh, my!" - expression of suprise used by women  
> kanin na: I'm sorry (in Kyoto dialect)


	2. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't too happy with how this scene turned out when I wrote it back in 2007, so I rewrote most of it for this chapter. Warning: this is a complete overhaul and still unbeta'd.
> 
> Correction of the numerous spelling and grammar mistakes I certainly made and feedback/constructive criticism are again very welcome. English is not my first language, so please bear with me.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Sad disclaimer: I do not own Mai HiME and its characters

"Oh my God... please no... Shizuru... Shizuru!"

I shot up screaming.

For a few seconds, I was completely disorientated. I didn't know where I was or what had happened. The only thing I could see was blackness. Blackness and the blurry silhouette of my hands clutching at the air.

It was so quiet. So still. Only the sound of my quick breaths could be heard. Suddenly, I felt a sharp bolt of pain surging through my head. A throbbing ache ricocheting off the bones of my skull like a sledgehammer. I gritted my teeth.

 _'What happened? Where am I?'_

Still a bit groggy, I tried to take in my surroundings. Everything was blurred in a lifeless shade of grey, but at least I could make out the silhouette of a door, a small shelf and a potted plant to the left of me. On the other side of the room was a window, but it was blocked by a dark curtain that didn't let any light in. It was a small room, really, and nothing stood out in particular. 

But why was it so cold in here?

In an attempt to gather more warmth, I grabbed the thin blanket that had fallen to my waist and immediately disliked the feel of the rough fabric against my skin. Only then did I notice that the shirt I was wearing was soaked in cold sweat. It stuck to me like glue, but it must have been at least two sizes too big for me because it went down to my thighs. That was when I realized I hadn't any pants on. 

_'What the-'_ Then it dawned on me. _'Am I... in a hospital?'_

Suddenly I panicked.

I was alone. And Shizuru was nowhere to be seen.

_'Shizuru... where are you? What happened?'_

I swallowed thickly. Felt a lump form in my throat. Felt the guts in the pit of my stomach clench. 

_'Calm down, Natsuki. Focus. Think. You were with her, moving through the crowd. You wanted to buy tea... and then what?'_

I tried to calm myself. Tried to focus. To remember. Anything. But the only thing I found was blackness. A big, gaping hole. A hungry maw chewing off the last bit of my memory.

_'Why can't I remember?'_

The excruciating throb in my skull got worse. Had I bashed my head against the wall? What the hell had happened to me?

Suddenly, I heard the door creak and was blinded by a bright flash of light when I turned to see who was coming inside.

„Oh, thank the gods“, said a soft voice, thick with relief, „you have finally woken up.“

At first, I couldn't quite make out who it was. Everything in my sight was still blurry and the sound of my own pulse, pounding madly in my ears, drowned out every other sound. Still, the way she was swaying her hips, I knew it had to be a girl, and when she sat down beside me and gently squeezed my shoulders, a cloud of flowery perfume washed over me. I knew that disgustingly sweet scent all too well.

It was Mai.

„How do you feel?“, she asked quietly, „you've been unconscious for almost two days now... since the accident.“

So I really had been taken to a hospital. After an accident I couldn't even remember. That was probably where I got that dreadful headache from.

„What accident?“ I didn't recognize my own voice. It sounded so weak. So hoarse. 

„You... you mean, you don't remember?“, Mai blurted out, „anything... at all?“ 

All of a sudden, she sounded suspiciously nervous. 

When I didn't answer right away, she turned away from me, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. Struggling. As if she didn't know what to say next. Or rather how to say it.

Suddenly, I felt very sick.

„Mai...“ I grabbed her arm, the pit of my stomach lurching again. „Where's Shizuru?“

I needed to know. It was the only thing I cared about. 

But when Mai hesitated, I started to panic again.

„Is she okay? Was she involved in the accident?“

She swallowed visibly, fumbling for words. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Like a fish out of water gasping for air. When I dug my fingers deeper into the flesh of her arm, she didn't flinch. Not even once.

_'Something is wrong. Terribly wrong.'_

„Kaichō-san... she is...“, Mai stumbled upon her words, still calling her 'kaichō' even though Shizuru had graduated months ago and was now a student at Fuuka University, „she was hit by a car when the two of you were crossing a street.“

Silence.

A moment of unbearable silence followed.

I stared at her blankly. Unable to grasp the content of her words.

Felt numb. Empty. 

_'This can't be happening... it isn't happening. You're dreaming. This is just a nightmare. You'll wake up in a second and everything will be okay again.'_

Those sentences rushed through my head again and again. It was a lie. It had to be a lie. I had to be dreaming.

„Natsuki, listen to me“, I heard Mai speak again, but her voice seemed so far away all of a sudden.

I broke out in a cold sweat. Shut my eyes to blend out the terrifying images clawing at the back of my skull. Shizuru covered in blood. Seriously hurt. Dead.

I started to panic for real now.

„How could this happen?“

„Natsuki, listen to me. Please. She was badly injured, but she survived. Do you hear me? Kaichō-san is alive.“

She squeezed my shoulders firmly, forced me to look her in the eye. A ghost of a smile hovered on her lips.

„She's alive“, I repeated softly, saying those words again and again in my head like a mantra, when I saw Mai's hand move up to my face to tuck a lost strand of hair behind my ear. „It's okay. Everything will be okay.“ 

Only then did I notice that I was crying. 

„Do you want to go see her?“, Mai asked quietly, gently brushing away the tears from my face.

„Yes, I'd like that.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vocabulary explanation:
> 
> kaichō - president (Shizuru was the president of the student council)


End file.
